Drowning

So the medication didn't work out. After spending 3 days awake unable to sleep because of the medications and feeling like I was about to literally die from exhaustion I quit the pills. Life is about the same as before, but I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont. I gained quite a bit of weight, and I'm trying to calm my ADHD other ways. Its not working. I really need to find something because this is becoming a problem.

My 4th Day On Adult ADHD Medications

The medication didn't work as well today to be honest I'm not sure where the day went. I hate the cold weather. I just wish it would stop snowing. I did complete a bit more in my sketch book but as that doesn't provide an income it isn't the best use of time. I'm trying to think of what inspires me in this life and while I have goals and aspirations I have to wonder what it truly is that would make me happy. I noticed I've cut off a lot of friends recently. I'm just sick of expectations. I feel like everyone's looking for a hand out and most of them have more then me to give. It reminds me of my brief life as a homeless women. the homeless community is a strange one, dangerous but generous among their own...makes you really wonder why we care for things so much. I'm thinking about hopping the rails and just going where ever I end up, Being a nomad of sorts. This life is to cookie cutter to me...sometimes I wonder if I where to leave this identity behind, would I end up in a better place where I could be myself stripped of the guilt, shame and failure. Anyways I guess the side effects today speak for themselves I'm alittle down
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My 3rd Day On ADHD Medication

While I've seen already remarkable changes, I still am nervous. I still haven't made it to work because of a mixture of excuses and snow. I want to go but it seems troublesome. I still have a few hours to decide on work so maybe Once the medication kicks in I'll be able to convince myself to get up and go. I've noticed the lack of appetite mentioned in the side effects. Nothing substantial (Mostly just less snacking in between meals) and I could stand to loss a few pounds so it doesn't worry me. Still fairly sleepless, I can only sleep at 4 am and then I pass out from exhaustion.

The Sketch Book- Photography By Heather Kovach

 I've become border line obsessed with a new sketch book I've bought recently. I feel like I fall into a trance while drawing. I find the images more positive then my normal expression's. I noticed an almost OCD effect, the house stays cleaner, and I managed to get all my laundry done in one day (which doesn't seem like a struggle but it is for me). The buzz I was getting the last 2 days has vanished but I find it easier to concentrate. 

Page Of Sketch Book

I have also noticed I've wanted to dress better when leaving the house. And noticed I have an eye for details (what my handwriting looks like, folding clothes and symmetry in my art). My friend told me yesterday that I was chatty. I'm not normally so talkative but I do have my moments so I'm not ready to call it a side effect, but I did notice my speech was more accurate in definition and speech pattern. All and all I feel like I've accomplished more then I have in a while.

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My Frist Day On ADHD Medications ( Vyvanse )

Darker Days- Photography By Heather Kovach

  My Name is Heather, I'm a 24 year old with ADHD. Growing up I had some psychological problems. I had major problems in school that caused me a lot of depression. As I got older I realized a lot of my problems stemmed from low self esteem. 

I was always smart, as a child I had a genius IQ but I couldn't sit still without day dreaming. So I made a decision to do the hardest thing I had ever done try harder...and it worked..sort of. I made major strides resulting in me getting my BA degree in Arts just by the skin of my teeth. I was talented but I just couldn't do anything alone, I had problems making connections in the business world, and lacked in major areas of my study because I couldn't remember a lot of lessons.I made huge steps and managed to pull it all together by the end. 

Makeup Mess- Photography By Heather Kovach

Once I came home it was like I had PTSD. I was afraid of the rejection I had already faced, the pain of not being liked by your work community, the fear of making a mistake because I couldn't do something I was suppose to know or maybe I would make a mistake, as my anxiety and depression grew I noticed again it all was connected to my self esteem ...so now I sit in my house to afraid to even go to work most day or return calls about my resume, even accepting job offers have become nerve racking . 

Drawing The Line- Photography By Heather Kovach

One day as was working on my computer I saw a folder and out of curiosity I took a look in it what I found opened my eyes. As a child I had been diagnosed with ADHD, but had never known. My mother never wanted to put me on the medications (which I definitely understand after hearing for years the list of side effects) I had always wondered if I had ADHD but figured the many doctors I have had would surely have thought of that before since its so highly diagnosed. 

So long story short today I started taking Vyvanse. I haven't noticed any side effects so far. But weirdly enough everything looked different. It seemed Clearer I noticed thing I normally wouldn't. I guess I felt a bit of a buzz but nothing substantial I kind of felt relaxed. I took it later in the day (I knew I shouldn't but I have been having doubts about taking it) I have a long history with psychological drugs and was afraid to go back to taking them. But I realize I cant keep living like this either so I knew it was now or never. I do feel more motivated my mind feels clearer and I can concentrate more without having to convince myself so all and all the first day seems to have gone well, I'm just hoping this keeps up.

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